Relationship Advice - The Love Multiplier Pt 2
Learning the Love Multiplier can change the whole nature of the relationship. You will have few excuses for bitching and moaning about your partner or your love life. When we aren't feeling really loved, little things bother us a lot like the household chores or why he leaves his dirty underwear lying all over the bedroom floor. When we feel really loved, we get an entirely different perspective on such trivial concerns. Like when you first fell in love with him or her, little things bother you a lot less.
When you can consciously - on purpose - use the Love Multiplier on him, you will see him change before your very eyes into the wonderful man you fell in love with. Make him feel really loved once or several times a day and he will begin to transform into your Knight in Shining Armor again, like he was when you first fell for him. Usually, when he feels really loved he will be more compassionate, more tender, more thoughtful, more of just about everything you want from your man. And you will actually know how to bring this about in your relationship. As I said, once you learn the Love Multiplier you can both begin to feel really loved every day, which tends to bring out the best and minimize the rest! So are you ready??
To begin to understand the structure of love you need to understand something else they never taught you in school. Hang in with me here for two whole pages. This may seem a bit technical at first, but it gets good, really good, fast. So follow the neuroscience in the next page and you will soon understand something very powerful about how to have a lot more love in your relationship.
In our consciousness, there are three basic ways that we represent reality to ourselves. These three main representational systems are
It is really very simple. Our brains represent "reality" (store memories, think) to us through these three main methods. To demonstrate this to yourself, think about what you did after dinner last night. Take ten whole seconds and remember what you did after your dining experience last night. What was it like?
Now look at how you "remember" what you did last night. Was your memory of what you did mostly in pictures? Did you see yourself reading a book or going for a walk? If so, you represented the "reality" of last night (stored and recalled the memory) last night in a VISUAL way. And/or did you tell yourself in your head that you went for a stroll then watched tv? Did you hear the sounds of the music in the background or the conversation you had with your mate? If so, you represented that "reality" in an AUDITORY way. And/or did you mostly enjoy the feel of the walk or the comfort of being stretched out on the sofa in classic couch potato fashion? If so, you mostly represented the "reality" of last night in a KINESTHETIC (or feeling) way.
We all represent reality to ourselves in combinations of these systems.
If you were to recall what you had for dinner last night, you can usually pick out the visual elements (pictures in our head of the food or restaurant), the auditory elements (the sounds of the music or conversation) and the kinesthetic elements (how the food felt and how we felt during dinner).
Take a few minutes now to get familiar with different ways that you represent reality to yourself inside that noggin of yours. Notice how you store memories and process ideas and thoughts. Think of the color red. Think of a pink elephant. Think of your favorite song. Think of the feel of your favorite lingerie on your skin. Are you having fun yet?? When we want to, we can usually specifically represent reality in just one representational system.
The point for these few minutes is for you to begin to notice how your brain represents reality to you. When you think of having dinner last night, you aren't actually there having dinner, your brain is recalling a memory and representing that period of reality to you through Visual and/or Auditory, and/or Kinesthetic symbols. (And in this case, it might also represent reality through taste and smell as well!)
So let's explore how your brain works for just a few minutes. It's actually quite fascinating to begin to look at how your brain works. Beginning to understand the representational symbols your brain “prefers” is quite useful.
How do you think? Do your thoughts tend to be visual images and pictures, just like you are reading sentences in this book, or do you "hear" the thoughts in your head, like someone is speaking them to you?
Think about what you are going to do at work next time you go in. Go ahead, take ten seconds and run through a part of your workload. What was the main representational system your brain used? Was it visual, or did you hear your boss or yourself telling others what to do? Or did you primarily feel excited or burdened or overworked?
Usually, our brains over time develop a PRIMARY or main representational system. We tend to become mostly VISUAL or AUDITORY or KINESTHETIC in our representational processes. While we have access to all three (or all five, including smell and taste) methods and we may combine two or more, one representational system will usually predominate.
While it can be a bit strange to step outside ourselves and examine our own brain in operation, it isn't painful and it’s quite fascinating. The point here is to actually experience and begin to understand some of how you represent reality to yourself. Now that you’ve acquainted yourself with your brain in the above simple exercises,
You are now ready to grasp the Love Multiplier!
Think of the last time you felt loved. Go ahead, recall the last time you felt loved by your mate. I mean really loved. Recall that experience and run it through your mind for minute. Step into it. What was he or she saying or doing? What was the situation you were in? How were you feeling?
Perhaps he brought you flowers or left a card on your pillow. Maybe he was holding you close and whispering sweet nothings into your ear. Possibly he was caressing the skin along your arms and breathing warmly down your neck. And maybe he was doing some combination of any of these things.
Now, look at HOW you represented feeling really loved to yourself.
· Was it primarily visual? Was he showing that he loved you with flowers or?
· Or was it auditory? Was he whispering huskily in your ear or singing to you softly or ??
· Or was it primarily kinesthetic? Was he stroking you or holding you or ??
· Or was it a strong combination of two of those things?
Whatever it was, that is ONE way you represent feeling really loved to yourself. That is one structure you have for feeling really loved. It may not be the only one, and you can further develop other ways, but for the moment you want to understand that you have one specific way or structure wired into your brain for feeling loved. Look at it again and tell yourself:
"I feel REALLY LOVED when he/she __________________ and ______________________.
When she/he does that, I feel REALLY REALLY LOVED."
Congratulations! You have just discovered one of the structures you have for feeling really loved. This is a breakthrough moment! The more specifically you can determine what you need to see, hear or feel to be really loved the better, but even if you just have a general understanding for now it is a great start.
Many women are primarily visual, and like to SEE (in their heads) that they are loved. So they feel really loved when they get flowers and notes and special gifts. Or seeing their man’s hard body moving in certain ways. Some feel really loved when they hear their man talk to them in a certain tone and cadence. It almost doesn't matter what he says, as long as he says it huskily while inches from your ear. And still many other women feel loved kinesthetically. When he strokes urgently or lazily along your arms or hips.
Many men feel loved kinesthetically. When she touches you there or caresses you in that way or blows along your neck…
Understand that for whatever reason, we each have usually just a few ways that we feel really, really loved. There is no right way or wrong way. Whatever does it for you is your way. You aren't stuck with it, you can expand and begin to feel really loved in other ways, but it is very useful to know how you are currently “wired” or programmed to feel really loved.
Your structure for feeling loved will be idiosyncratic - particular to you. It doesn't need to make any sense. You may be a devout churchgoer and yet feel really loved when he is talking dirty into your ear. You may enjoy sex immensely yet feel really loved when he shows his love for you with flowers or gestures. Whatever way you feel really loved, GOOD FOR YOU! Once you understand your particular way of feeling really loved, you can then let your partner in on the secret!
Now we come to an important observation: We each tend to think that how we feel loved is how everyone feels loved. Let me repeat that:
We each tend to think that how we feel loved is how everyone feels loved.
So if you feel loved VISUALLY and he feels loved Kinesthetically, he may be stroking and caressing you all day long trying to demonstrate his love and you may wish he'd get his paws off of you and SHOW his love for you with flowers or gifts or gestures.
He may be "showing" his love for you as best he knows how, and you may not be getting the message because you are “wired” to feel loved in a different representational system. When a romance goes out of a relationship it is often for this reason. The lovers are “mismatching representational systems.” Once you know how you feel loved, you can begin to let him know specifically how to make you feel loved. No more guesses and misunderstandings!
If you are a mostly visual person and he is mostly kinesthetic, you may be showing your love for him all the time by keeping the house spotless and preparing elegant, colorful meals arranged just so, and by wearing sexy lingerie in that color he just loves. Yet as time goes on you feel more and more disappointed. He just doesn't seem to appreciate you! You go to all that trouble and he seems more distant than ever!
The problem may not be that you aren't appreciated, it may be that
he is not feeling really loved by you!
He needs you to "show" your love by stroking, licking and sucking just so. That's how he feels really loved. You used to show your love that way a lot when you first got together. But now you hardly ever do!! Damn! Now you seem so distant and separate from him. And things had started out with such promise!
Can you begin to see the power and possibility of the Love Multiplier now? Once you understand just a little of what makes your mate feel loved you can begin to do that every day, on purpose! Why spend an hour preparing a colorful, elegant, well-laid out meal when he could care less? If it makes you feel good, then go ahead and do it for yourself, but if you want him to feel how much you care for him show him in the way that he will "get" it!! Then you will start feeling a lot more appreciated, guaranteed!
When we first get into relationships we usually spend lots of time trying to please each other. You want to get the other person to like you so you "show" your love in lots of ways. Usually you get flowers and prepare special meals and whisper sweet nothings and stroke and caress and suck and nibble. At first, we usually demonstrate love in all representational systems. So he feels loved because you've "hit" his system and you feel loved because he has "hit" yours. Consider this again:
In the beginning of relationships, we usually demonstrate love
in all representational systems.
Then as the relationship develops we often settle back into trying to show our love in the main representational system that we operate out of. Because we were never taught anything about how brains work in school, we don't understand that different people don't think and operate the same way we do. We all tend to believe that how we think and operate is how everyone does or should. This can spell the death of romance.
Now, with the Love Multiplier, you can make him feel loved in the way he already does, and he can do the same for you!
If she is bringing you gifts and cards and wearing sexy outfits to show her love for you, and you only feel really loved when she whispers sexily in your ears and talks dirty to you, she isn't going to feel very appreciated and you aren't going to feel very loved. Or if he is kinesthetic and is always grabbing your breasts and slapping your rear and pawing your body to show his affection for you and you are VISUAL, you aren't going to feel loved. "All you want is my body, you don't really love me!" will make him feel quite confused and rejected.
Or another classic is when he is auditory and you are visual. He tells you five times a day that he loves you, and you feel less and less loved until finally you explode! "Why can't you ever show me that you love me? Talk is cheap!!"
The Love Multiplier can do away with such mismatching in mere minutes. The first step is to go through the process and comprehend how you feel REALLY LOVED. Once you have done that, you will understand once and for all that feeling really loved is individual. There is no right or wrong way to feel loved, there is just your way and everyone else's.
Once you understand your way, then IMMEDIATELY begin to use the skill of making requests to clue your mate in on the "secret." Tell him/her as exactly as you can what they can do to make you feel really loved.
Spend a little detective time on what makes you and your mate feel really loved, and it will pay off for you in years of more pleasure.
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