Relationship Advice -
Obviously, men and women communicate with
different basic styles. Women will often talk to connect. Men will
usually talk to make points and problem solve.
Clearly this can cause problems in relationships. We can end up
arguing or not feeling heard. So understanding more of your talking
style and your mate's can help further intimacy between you.
Speaking in generalities, a basic male communication style is to
take charge and make points in a conversation. Men are territorial
by instinct, and this shows up in conversation. They may interrupt
more, try to make points, and then argue or try to convince people
that their points are correct.
Also, men like to problem solve. It is the hunter killer instinct.
If there is a deer and you need meat, you have to kill the deer. If
there is a problem, then you have to kill the problem. You have to
solve it if you can. So men like to identify problems (the boss
sucks, your sister is a mess) and then, whenever possible, offer
solutions (you should get a new job, your should tell your sister to
stop being a doormat). Just note that men don't have to have good
solutions, but they will offer them up.
A basic female communication style can be called Connective Considering.
Yes, women can solve problems and get to the point, but they are
usually not territorial or dominant in their talking style. They
actually use communication to connect with their partner. They talk
out loud. They are sharing their on going process. They don't wait
to talk until they have it all figured out.
A woman will say her boss sucks, then share that the boss is having
a hard time in their relationship. When they do this, they are
connecting with their mate, sharing their process. They aren't
trying to drive a point home or get to a big final resolution. They
can make points that seem unrelated. They are reflecting and
considering about their experience and the various pieces of it.
This style often drives men nuts. Saying the boss sucks is good,
they are with you. The deer is identified. Saying the boss is having
love problems is irrelevant. You don't need to know the deer is
having relationship issues to kill it! Just shoot the darn deer by
quitting your job.
The way the sexes communicate differently is vast. But if you get
that men like to make clear points and kill off problems, and that
women often like to communicate to share and connect and reflect,
you are off to a great start. Then you can try this: take some time
each week to communicate in your mate's style, not yours, and see
We never got taught relationship skills in school.
Spending a few minutes learning more relationship intelligence can pay
off with years of more love, deeper bonding and emotional connection.
Relationship advice can be simple and doesn't need to be hard to