Relationship Advice - Help
On Why Men Leave
There are many useful things to understand
about relationships. Why men leave is one of them. There
are of course a lot of reasons why this happens. It can seem
like they are infinitely varied.
However, here is why a lot of men (and women)
leave relationships: they feel bad about something in their life and
blame it on their partner. It is called projection.
If a man wakes up a few mornings in a row and
feels unhappy, he will tend not to own this feeling. He won't just
admit he has heavy feelings this morning. Instead, subconsciously,
he will tend to look around, see his mate, and blame her. We must be
falling out of love!
Of course! She is working a lot and ignoring me. No wonder I feel
bad! No wonder I feel tired and drained! She is to blame! (He feels
bad equals you are the target for his bad feelings!)
So then he starts in on his girlfriend. "Why do you work so much?
Why don't you work less and start going to the gym? Why don't you
spend more time working on your appearance?"
Projection occurs in a thousand different ways and levels, many not
nearly so obvious as this. And projection occurs in part because we
have not been well trained in our society to own and acknowledge our
feelings. One of the most common causes of relationships breaking up
Jim has been feeling off lately. He tells Janey he isn't too happy,
and is falling out of love with her. Now, what's happening in
reality is that Jim is having some feelings of ennui and emptiness.
In the emotional journey that all lives are, "emptiness" has come up
for him. It is a feeling we all get as human beings from time to
time. He could honestly say to himself "I am having feelings of
emptiness. I notice nothing seems to be very exciting lately.
Everything, including my love life and work life, seems dull and
listless. What an amazing feeling to have!"
He could OWN his feelings, but he's never been trained how to do
that! He certainly wasn't taught that in school. By "owning" or
acknowledging these feelings to himself, he could begin to integrate
them, instead of keep them in his unconscious (the Shadow Side of
his psyche). He could become more whole and less split. But no! Most
of us are "taught" that if you feel bad, you need a better
toothpaste, a new car, a sexier playmate, something outside
Let's discuss the Shadow Side of the self for a moment. That is the
part of our psyche, our subconscious, where feelings we couldn't
"own" get "stored." When we can't own a feeling, we split it off to
the Shadow Side. Good girls who never get angry, for example,
probably have a large Shadow Side of suppressed anger and
aggression. Many men also will be generally calm and collected and
supposedly "in control." Then something happens like dinner isn't
ready and they completely blow their tops, screaming and smashing
things about. Hello, Shadow Side!
We all have a shadow side. We all keep a
lid on it more or less effectively. But it will come out in
various ways. So why do men leave? Often it is because of
projection. They project their unhappiness onto you.
We never got taught relationship skills in school.
Spending a few minutes learning more relationship intelligence can pay
off with years of more love, deeper bonding and emotional connection.
Relationship advice can be simple and doesn't need to be hard to