Relationship Advice Help Book

You can read much of the book Train Your Mate - How To Have The Relationship You Want, here, to see if it is for you!

Train Your Mate - How To Have The Relationship You Want

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Yes, some women are every bit as competitive as men in some arenas. Yes, you try to win most times when you play, but usually you take such things with a grain of salt, you don't get obsessed, you remember things like relationship and often times have some care and consideration for the feelings of others during a competition. (Clearly, then, you haven't a clue when it comes to what is important in a contest!)

Men relate to competition differently. They can get "deadly" serious about winning or avoiding defeat. Even if that means they don't play, that is better than losing. Fathers, mothers, and adults encouraged boys to win and to try harder if they lost. You, on the other hand, were most likely acknowledged just for playing and giving it any try at all.

Boys and girls generally play different kinds of games. Playing jacks and jumprope and hopscotch are fairly noncompetitive games to begin with.

The idea is to improve your personal best more than it is to beat someone else. Meanwhile boys play more competitive games, like cops and robbers and army, where you try to wipe the other guy out, literally. Men are practiced at wiping the other guy (or girl) out!

So how does all this affect your relationship? Well, consider the male approach to intimacy, which generally is:

Have Sex!

Men want to connect. There we are, behind our moats and walls, wanting to connect and be close. We need to be close to you, that’s why we got into the relationship! And, we know how to do it! Yes, we do. We aren’t dummies.

We do it physically! We go “conquer” our mate. We drive and thrust into you and it gets very exciting and intimate and oh so personal and love and sex are grand and the passion is melting the mattress and we feel totally connected! We have accomplished a true level of intimacy!

The only problem is that, after we climax, within minutes the castle walls go up and we find ourselves back behind our subconscious moats. We dominated, we conquered, we controlled, it was great, but that’s done now. Trying to connect intimately with a man between sexual bouts can be challenging, can’t it?

There is nothing wrong with this model, of course. Both males and females enjoy the driving energy of sexual bonding. The problem is that the model is very limited. If most men only get their intimacy needs met from sex, that leaves a whole lot of time when they aren’t getting their intimacy needs met!

Women, on the other hand, know lots of ways to meet intimacy needs. Women get their needs met sexually, and through communication (talking to connect, not to solve a problem), and through giving and nurturing, and through being with family and friends noncompetitively.

There is a “structure” to intimacy! It doesn't just happen on its own!

Nurturing, nesting, cooperating, caring, giving and communication are “structures” or skills for building intimacy! Sex isn’t the only way to get close. Sure, we all understand this “intellectually.” But subconsciously, below the level of thinking, we – males and females – think we “know” how to be and do intimacy. The male model is fun, yet it leaves men and women feeling disconnected much of the time.

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