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Relationship Advice Help On Conflict

 There are many useful things to understand about conflict. A first one is that conflict is going to happen in any love relationship.  Most people think there is a problem if there is conflict.  They try to avoid it.  It can be much more useful to learn how to deal with it than to run around trying to avoid it all the time.  There are some good ways to deal with conflict and a lot of bad ways.

Understand this:  if you deal with conflict in some of the following ways, you can kill your relationship. Trying to dominate your partner by shouting or screaming at them is common but a big danger sign. Mocking your partner or insulting them during conflict is another way to cause lasting relationship damage.

There are some good things you can do during and after conflict. You can start by taking a few deep gulps of air while you are in conflict. Notice your reactions to the conflict as you do this. You will often see two adults reverting to the emotional age of six year old children!

Notice while breathing that conflict causes crappy conduct. People yell, scream, throw things, withdraw behind a wall of silence, hate on their mates. You don't need to take it too personally. It isn't personal, it is just adults being frustrated and acting like kids. Try not to take it personally.

One powerful thing you can do is to keep the argument from getting too heated. Disarm and de-escalate it. You might say that you need some time to get yourself under control, then leave the room for a few minutes. When you come back, you will both be likely to talk in a more civil manner.

Also, once you've finished the immediate argument, don't withhold your affection. Don't refuse to touch or caress your partner for days just because they fought with you. This can end up killing your relationship.

Also it is important to reconnect with your mate as soon as you can after an argument. Rather than let the hurt feelings between you linger and simmer, go up to them and say "sorry we had a fight like that, are you all right?" Do this even if the fight wasn't your fault, it will help you both avoid lasting relationship damage.

Reconnecting quickly is an important way to deal healthily with conflict.  Letting anger simmer can turn your relationship into poison.  Don't do this.  Get back to your mate with a reconnecting line of some kind, just to ease the tension.  "I hate it when we fight like that, don't you?" 

A little humor can go a long way to avoiding and resolving conflict.  See if you can find places to insert some humor into your relationship.

Dealing well with conflict takes practice and time to learn. But it is well worth it. You're going to argue, the question is can you do so in a way that doesn't kill off your relationship over time.

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